The tightness in my chest...PT I

It feels like a stone is lodged where my heart should be. It feels like I've spent the majority of my life acting in ways that aren't true to me. It feels like so much time has passed by, and yet, despite the knowledge I've gained over time, I'm still wondering why.

Even worse, I'm still wondering, "Who am I?" Is the person I've become my choice, or is it a result of all the noise around me? Do I still recognize the sound of my voice, or have I been living my life without me? Am I myself or merely a product of the opinions that surround me?

I long for the day I can scream to the world, "I found me!" But quickly, I realize that my quest is still not about me. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove wrong? Why does it feel so good when I put my feelings and thoughts into a song? Why does it take so long for me to realize it's been too long, and why do I freeze when it's time to move on, when moving on is all I needed to do all along?

What's wrong? What's up? I know better, but it feels like I am stuck. I always work hard, I create my own luck. But like petals on flowers, I pluck my own dreams as I listen to others say that my dreams just suck. And I believe it. My courage, I leave it. My hope is now forfeited as the faith in myself and my God-given gift is defeated.

Then I question the ways that I am treated when I paved the way to being mistreated. I welcomed my fears and warmly greeted my doubts. I poked holes into my mind and sat still as my self-worth depleted. The tightness in my chest sums up the nights I don't rest, as I have fallen in love with obsessing, overthinking, rarely sharing, but always speaking to myself. I am crying out quietly for help, with words and thoughts that never escape my lips or chest.

What is next? Still avoiding phone calls and choosing to text because I have yet to embrace the sound of my true feelings, the reality, and honest meaning behind the words that escape my lips. So it grows. How much longer, who knows?

Shoutout to all those who knew what I meant even though I never said it. Shoutout to them for living their truth vulnerably as I sit here and regret it. The tightness in my chest... I’m too strong to be like this. Forget it. If it’s meant to be, you will get it.

Love Always, 

Jessica Ogunnorin

Written: January 17, 2024

Published: January 22, 2025